Unsung Story Of The Foreign Kid

A family friend called me yesterday, expressing mixed emotions about her son moving to California. She asked for my honest opinion, and here it is the general opinion of majority of the pakistani people, my friend.

The story of the hard-earned lives of self-made individuals in foreign countries begins the day they receive a visa, and families celebrate their child's achievement. However, in reality, this often leads to a loss of genuine love and bonding. Families cannot see the hardships faced by their children living far away, out of sight and reach. These individuals start their lives from ground zero, without support and affection during tough times. Parents cannot perceive their child's suffering, and siblings cannot feel the miserable foundation of their brother's or sister's life. While children in Pakistan live comfortably under their parents' roof, one child struggles day and night to earn enough money to pay rent, bills, insurance in a foreign country. That one celebrated child become a machine. 

Meanwhile siblings live for free, sharing responsibilities and enjoying minimal utility bills, with all the love and support from their parents and siblings, there is one person far away grappling with life's hardships alone, sacrificing comfort and ease to meet basic needs and finish education. 

The harsh truth is that once you lose the ability to see each other, you lose everything; even parents cannot perceive the pain of their invisible son or daughter. You might say this is an exaggeration, but let’s examine the realistic picture of our families.

How many of us living abroad have a designated room/portion in our parents’ house that we can confidently say belongs to us? Most of us reside in temporary or guest rooms. How many of us living abroad are still remembered when gifts are presented on special occasions like Eid? How many of us are thought of when our families celebrate weddings and parties? How often do parents consult their children abroad when making family decisions, simply notifying us or ignoring us altogether? How frequently do they ask, “If you need anything, please let us know?”

How many parents recognize the difference between a self-made, struggling child and one living under their protection? How many parents ensure fairness among their children? The majority of parents do not feel the hardships of that invisible child because they cannot see them. Whenever that foreign child gets tired of everything and calls his family to share, there is already a long list of selfmade miseries on the other side. And that's how he/she starts hiding wounds from the family. 

How many parents in Pakistan ensure that their assets are divided fairly so that siblings in Pakistan do not take advantage of those living abroad? If parents cannot even reserve one room for that child, how can they justify giving him or her their rightful share? When parents treat us like outsiders, how can siblings not treat us as second-class citizens in the family? They learn from their parents.

I have observed that many of my elders and friends have experienced the same pain and suffering in foreign countries. There is a shared feeling of alienation among those back home. We are often seen as their backup plan. I used to joke with my father that when we arrive at the airport in Pakistan, people do not notice our health or appearance; they only see dollar signs on our faces. We are judged by the gifts and suitcases we carry. To many, we are essentially invisible, and we must accept it. We become family pleasers, fools, and the support mechanism. And the most toxic self assumed statement for us is

 "apko to iski zarurat nhn hogi" 

"Ma ne kuch lia nhn tumharay liay kuonkay tumhay pasand na aae" 

"Kuch chaheay yahan se"

"Tum loag to ayashi ker rahay ho"

Eighty percent of my Pakistani friends have lost their properties and family inheritances in Pakistan due to their own family and friends. Every other Pakistani abroad shares a similar story, yet we fail to learn from it because we are desperate for affection from our families.

So remember, my dear friend, in the beginning, you will call your son "Kesay ho beta, bht yaad atay ho" (How are you, son? I miss you a lot), but then the conversation will shift to the materialistic demands of your children in Pakistan. And then the whole phone call will consist of you complaining about the suffering of your other kids in Pakistan. The more your son achieves, the more you will demand and keep him feeling guilty. You will always compare your kids living with you to the life of your child abroad. You will become an ungrateful mother, and your other kids will start disrespecting and acting mean towards your child abroad. So be mindful while sending your "dil ka tukra" (piece of your heart) to the US. You will change a lot, and he will lose everything, my dear. You will still have the whole family around you, but he will become alone forever. This is the true picture for almost everyone living here. And if you still think that you will be fair between your kids, then go ahead and be a sensitive person and a role model for all.