Holding Myself

Someone asked me how I’m holding myself and others after losing someone special. I said that someone who has been in your life for years becomes a part of your heart and mind. Just as a body relies on its main organs, when a part of those organs is lost, that’s how I feel. The fear of losing your heart and then witnessing that loss is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences. It feels as if an artery or vein connected to your heart is broken, and you bleed slowly.

I lost my father recently, and now watching someone else slowly fade away day by day is killing me, day and night. Each day starts with thoughts of them and ends with my heart bleeding.

I am no longer who I used to be. I would describe it as a rebirth after seeing the harsh realities of the world. I always envisioned myself living in a fort with a heart of gold, with open gates where no one leaves empty-handed. I used to seek out the sorrows and pains of others, ready to jump in and help everyone, taking care of those around me. But when did I start closing my gates and windows to prevent anyone from entering and misusing my kindness for their selfishness?

Watching their lives closely has given me a shocking realization: kindness to others can be one of the most painful gestures, and selflessness can be a heavy burden. Yet, it is your nature; you can’t buy or copy it. I learned from their lives to keep my fine character intact because I am blessed by God. Very few people have a heart of gold, so I must direct my feelings toward those who are truly grateful for me—not just the closest ones who need me for their selfish reasons. Focus on those who pray for you sincerely, even if you are not related to them. 

Believe me, my father’s and sister’s lives were all about giving, giving, and giving. They were always there for everyone in need, but in return, they were left empty-handed and alone. The pain of losing them and the pain in their hearts have shaken my life more than I ever thought possible. I witnessed my father in his last years, and then my sister, both suffering the same pain of life—what a coincidence.

The lesson I have learned is profound: if you want to live life without regrets, be unavailable to blood ties in need so they can feel your importance. Instead, be available for those who have no one except God. They will always be grateful and pray for you sincerely because they will not take you for granted. Remember, the world is very selfish; those closest to you will take advantage of you until they no longer need you and then discard you. 

Try to break free from the old cultural patterns of blood ties, duties, and responsibilities. Live wisely; otherwise, your life will end in disappointment and regret. Stay happy and prioritize your happiness first, then consider others. Don’t live for those who make you feel guilty, belittle your personality, or mock you in front of others, even if they are close to you. Stay far away from those who compare their lives to yours, who need you in tough times but are unavailable when you need them. Avoid those who are bonded to you because of your money; remember, your wealth cannot buy their sincerity.

The world is full of people who need our small attention—seek them out. They will accept you as you are because you will be sent by God to them without any blood ties or relationships. Be a reason for peace in the lives of those who truly admire your worth. 

Stay blessed.