Self Caused Depression In Common Pakistani Man

 During my recent visits to Pakistan, I made a decision to address the prevalent issues of depression, lack of peace, intense competition, hatred, and jealousy among the people. Every individual seems to talk about others' jealousy toward them, while secretly harboring jealousy themselves. Acceptance of others' happiness is rare, and everyone is engrossed in worries and challenging circumstances. The poor struggle for basic sustenance, while the rich relentlessly pursue more material possessions. They are caught in an unending battle with each other and with life itself. Unfortunately, they fail to recognize the gravity of their own distressing situations.

In their relentless pursuit of proving themselves right, some individuals are willing to go to extreme lengths. They resort to dishonesty, mistreatment of others, hypocrisy, and belittling tactics. Their primary objective is to impose their own opinions forcefully onto others, disregarding differing perspectives or the potential harm caused by their actions.

Within family dynamics, a disturbing trend emerges where siblings engage in manipulative and hurtful games to gain approval or establish a sense of superiority in the eyes of their parents. This behavior indicates that the training and upbringing provided by the parents may have inadvertently fostered a toxic environment of competition and degradation among their children.

Parents often perpetuate a sense of guilt in their children by constantly comparing them to their siblings or other family friends. This guilt-tripping behavior creates a toxic environment where children are made to feel inadequate and continuously seek their parents' attention and approval. It establishes a dependence on their parents, contributing to a tightly-knit joint family system.

Unfortunately, for many married couples, this environment can feel like a suffocating prison. The confinement within the joint family system hinders the development of strong relationships and a productive atmosphere. The continuous presence of children within the household restricts their exposure to diverse experiences and impedes their personal growth.

Within the joint family structure, children often learn negative behaviors such as lying, disrespect, hypocrisy, and rebellion. The hidden undercurrents of animosity and resentment among family members are prevalent, despite the parents' satisfaction in having their children all together under one roof. 

How a joint family system can negatively impact children's development:

* Lack of individual attention: In a joint family system, with multiple generations living together, individual attention towards each child may be limited. This can result in feelings of neglect or being overlooked, leading to emotional and psychological issues.

* Limited decision-making autonomy: In a joint family, decision-making is often influenced by the collective opinions and preferences of the extended family members. This can restrict children's ability to make choices based on their own desires and interests, hindering their personal growth and autonomy.

* Increased competition and comparison: The presence of multiple siblings or cousins within a joint family can lead to intense competition and constant comparison. Children may feel pressured to outperform their relatives, leading to stress, low self-esteem, and a sense of inadequacy.

* Difficulty in establishing boundaries: In a joint family, personal boundaries may become blurred, leading to a lack of privacy and personal space. This can impact children's ability to develop a strong sense of individuality and healthy emotional boundaries.

* Exposure to conflicts and tensions: Interpersonal conflicts and tensions are more likely to arise in joint family settings due to the close proximity and diverse personalities. Continuous exposure to such conflicts can negatively impact children's emotional well-being and their ability to develop healthy relationships.

* Cultural and generational clashes: Joint families often consist of individuals from different generations with varying beliefs, values, and expectations. This can lead to cultural clashes and conflicts in parenting styles, resulting in confusion and frustration for the children.

* Difficulty in expressing emotions: In a joint family, children may find it challenging to openly express their emotions or seek support due to the presence of multiple family members. This can hinder their emotional development and lead to suppressed feelings.

Within sibling dynamics, it is not uncommon for strong feelings of jealousy and resentment to arise towards a successful sibling. Instead of focusing on their own personal development and achievements, some siblings may create problems and obstacles for the successful sibling. Rather than acknowledging and appreciating the efforts and accomplishments of the successful sibling, they may actively project negative aspects or undermine their achievements. Furthermore, parents can contribute to the challenging situation by subjecting the successful child to additional hardships. They may demand financial support from the successful child, expecting them to share their resources with their less successful siblings. Additionally, parents may consistently highlight the problems and difficulties faced by the other siblings, constantly reminding the successful child of their family obligations. This can create a painful and guilt-ridden environment for the successful child.

If the successful child expresses their inability to fulfill the family's expectations or declines to provide assistance, parents may resort to extreme measures. They may isolate the child, boycotting them from family affairs and spreading rumors or negative stories about them within the extended family or community. This can further deepen the emotional distress experienced by the successful child, as they face rejection and social judgment from those closest to them. It is important to recognize that these dynamics within sibling and parental relationships can have significant negative consequences for the successful child's emotional well-being, self-esteem, and overall development. Healthy family dynamics should prioritize support, encouragement, and celebration of each individual's achievements, fostering a nurturing environment for all family members to thrive.

Why do Pakistani families tend to portray and exaggerate their problems to their relatives living abroad? Why do they believe that they are the only ones facing hardships and suffering? Why is there a pervasive sense of depression among them, despite having a strong support system, large families, and their own people? It is true that many Pakistani families have access to domestic help such as servants, drivers, and cooks, even among individuals with average incomes. Living in a joint family system provides the assurance that there is always someone available to look after each other's needs. Additionally, a significant number of women in Pakistan stay at home, focusing on their responsibilities within the household, while men are expected to handle external affairs. Despite these circumstances, it appears that many people in Pakistan remain unhappy, ungrateful, and in a state of ungratefullness. Whenever you engage in conversations with them, they often share stories of misery and hardship. It is unfortunate that individuals like us, residing abroad, sometimes become consumed by worry and spend countless hours stressing about their situations instead of focusing on our own challenging lives. Perhaps it is essential for us to utilize our critical thinking skills and compare the hardships we face with the exaggerated tales of challenges experienced by our relatives in Pakistan.

My sincere advice to all the people living abroad is to cultivate a sense of inner peace and self-love. It is crucial to eliminate anything that only contributes to a polluted and toxic environment. Remember that not everyone perceives you in the same way that you perceive yourself. Along your journey, you may lose individuals who lack genuine interest in you or your aspirations, and they will naturally distance themselves. Do not be afraid to construct the life you desire, and do not let their opinions intimidate you. Focus on your own struggles and challenges, as no one will come to your aid in times of need. Relationships based solely on materialistic desires and one-sided provisions are not healthy or sustainable.

Nadia Nizam