A Letter to My Pious Family & Friends

 After eight years of marriage, today I have made a significant decision. I have come to realize that it is my responsibility to fight for myself and my daughters. If I remain silent, people will start talking about my daughters in the same way they talk about me and other girls. Although my mother used to say that silence is the best way to fight back, I have spent eight years following that advice and have come to the conclusion that it is not true. Silence only enables others to freely express whatever they want. Fortunately, I have the best in-laws and a highly understanding and confident husband who always encourages me to listen to my heart rather than society's expectations, including those of our families. I am grateful to have been blessed with such wonderful in-laws and to have never encountered any family issues. However, from the beginning, our social circle has been concerned about our married life and family system. Despite eight years passing, they have been unable to find anything significant to criticize, except for one issue that seriously disrupts their peace of mind: my choice to wear sleeveless clothing. This obsession occupies their small, intelligent, and religious minds to the point that they cannot sleep, parties feel incomplete, and the first thing they do in the morning is scroll through my Facebook profile to see my pictures. While their fixation on this matter makes me feel special and proud, it also highlights their narrow-mindedness.

For many Pakistanis, religion often becomes synonymous with social expectations and judgments imposed by others. When we feel dissatisfied with our own lives, we tend to redirect our focus towards scrutinizing and criticizing the lives of others. Regrettably, we prioritize prying into each other's personal affairs under the guise of religious concern. This is a phenomenon that deserves reflection.

A few years ago, one of our close aunts made a comment about me, expressing shock at my choice to wear sleeveless clothing. The aunt invoked our shared Muslim identity and claimed that such attire was not permissible in Islam. This incident marked the first attempt at interference in my life. Initially, I advised my husband to disregard the comment and let it go. However, I decided to open my Facebook account and show my husband the pictures of the aunt's daughter. Subsequently, I deleted her from my friend list.

It is disheartening that we sometimes succumb to the temptation of judging others based on their personal choices, especially in matters of religious observance. Instead of fostering a sense of unity and support, we find ourselves scrutinizing and interfering in each other's lives. It is vital for us to reflect on the true essence of our faith and focus on our own personal growth and spirituality, rather than becoming preoccupied with the actions of others. May we strive to cultivate a more compassionate and understanding society, where personal choices are respected, and the spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood prevails.

Today, I came to the realization that I needed to respond and stand up for myself. Over the course of eight years, my relatives couldn't find a single problem in my life, which is quite uncommon. So, why not make a big deal out of something as trivial as wearing sleeveless clothing? It's time to break my silence for the sake of my family and daughters.

One day, I overheard my fellow mosque attendees discussing my modern lifestyle, which is unfortunately a common occurrence in mosques abroad. It seems that these conversations revolve around gossiping about husbands' behaviors, in-law issues, friends' gossip, and new fashion trends. A few self-proclaimed religious women seem to hold a strong influence over the mosque, and if you dare to oppose them, you are labeled as a non-Muslim.

On another occasion, I heard about a highly educated girl who showed my pictures to people and compared me to her relative abroad who wears a hijab. How adorable!

These incidents highlight the tendency of some individuals to judge and engage in gossip, even in religious settings. It's disheartening to witness such behavior, especially when it comes from those who claim to be pious. However, it's important to remember that personal choices, such as clothing, do not define one's faith or moral character.

In light of these experiences, I am determined to break free from the shackles of societal expectations and judgment. I will prioritize my own happiness and the well-being of my family. It's time to embrace individuality and celebrate diversity within our community. May we all strive to be more understanding, accepting, and supportive of one another, regardless of our personal choices.

It is true that there are many other aspects of modesty that should be considered as well. Wearing half sleeves, draping the dupatta on the neck or shoulder, wearing hijab with heavy makeup, or donning tight jeans and fitted tops with a headscarf are all practices that should be examined. Similarly, wearing see-through or transparent clothing, having short haircuts, or exposing one's private parts in waxing salons are actions that need to be reconsidered from an Islamic perspective.

Furthermore, focusing on losing weight solely to showcase one's figure in fitted clothing, having male tailors measure one's body, wearing deep necklines that reveal the chest, going out in full makeup to mixed gatherings, taking pictures and posting them on social media without a hijab, and hanging out without a headscarf in the presence of male servants are all matters that should be evaluated in light of Islamic teachings..

In the end, it is not my place or anyone else's to pass judgment on others. We should all strive to follow the teachings of Islam to the best of our abilities and seek forgiveness and guidance when we fall short. Let us remember the importance of humility, compassion, and unity within our Muslim community, rather than engaging in divisive discussions and defaming one another.

It is important to remember that judging others based on their clothing choices is not productive or beneficial. Each person has their own journey and relationship with their faith. While it is crucial to adhere to the principles of modesty in Islam, it is equally important to avoid passing judgment on others.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of refraining from backbiting and exposing the faults of others. He said, "O you who believe with your tongues, while faith has not yet entered your hearts, do not backbite Muslims, and do not seek their faults. For whoever seeks their faults, Allah will seek his faults; and if Allah seeks someone's faults, He will expose them, even if they are hidden within their homes."

Backbiting, which involves speaking negatively about someone in their absence, is explicitly prohibited in Islam. It is considered a major sin, as mentioned by Imam Qurtubi, and necessitates repentance. It is obligatory for individuals to turn to Allah in sincere repentance when they have engaged in backbiting.

Therefore, as Muslims, it is important for us to refrain from backbiting and gossip, and instead focus on promoting unity, understanding, and compassion within our communities. If we have concerns about someone's behavior, it is advised to address them directly and constructively, rather than engaging in backbiting or spreading rumors.

The hadiths  mentioned emphasize the significance of controlling our tongues and avoiding harm to others through our words and actions. It is a reminder that true piety is not solely about external appearances or religious rituals but also encompasses how we treat and interact with others. Backbiting and hurting others with our words are serious offenses in Islam. It is essential to practice restraint and mindfulness in our speech, focusing on kindness, empathy, and understanding. We should strive to build a community based on love, support, and forgiveness rather than one that is judgmental and divisive. Instead of fixating on the perceived shortcomings of others, let us redirect our energy towards self-improvement and cultivating positive relationships. By focusing on our own actions and character, we can make a more significant impact on our own lives and those around us.

In the end, it is not for us to determine the ultimate fate or punishment of individuals. Our responsibility is to strive for righteousness ourselves and encourage others to do the same through kindness, compassion, and respectful dialogue. I understand that you have strong opinions on this matter, but it is important to maintain respectful and constructive dialogue. It is natural for people to have differing perspectives on issues related to modesty and personal choices. As individuals, it is crucial to focus on self-improvement and self-reflection rather than excessively scrutinizing others. Islam teaches us to be compassionate, understanding, and to avoid judgment. It is not our place to determine the intentions or level of faith of others based on their clothing choices.

Each person has the right to make decisions about their attire based on their own understanding and comfort level. It is important to respect their autonomy and not impose our own views on them. Instead of engaging in negative discussions or criticizing others, let us strive to create an environment of love, support, and understanding within our Muslim community. We should encourage one another towards personal growth and strengthen our relationships with our families and loved ones.

Nadia Nizam